POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE THIS YEAR

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up
and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde passenger that since her ticket is for Economy, she
will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies, ‘I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Melbourne and
I’m staying right here!’

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot
that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in
Economy and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she
only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will
have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, ‘I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Melbourne and
I’m staying right here!’

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he
probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
blonde woman that won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, ‘You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a
blonde, and I speak blonde!’

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, ‘Oh I’m
sorry - I had no idea,’ gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy
section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to
make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replied,

Wait for it.........

........................

...........................................

............................................................

.................................’I told her First Class isn’t going to Melbourne.’

Q. What is the one thing that all men in singles bars have in common?

A. They’re married!

LOL hb

good one

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to buy a bull from the stockyard in a distant town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decideto buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she
wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office e and says

“I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a
bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds,
“It’s just 99 cents a word.”

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, “I want you to send her the word “comfortable.”

The operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want
her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul
that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word “comfortable?”

The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it
very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.”

LOL, reminds me of something similar:

Paddy died leaving his wife and beloved car behind.
Mrs Paddy decides to place a notice in the local paper about Paddys passing and also put an ad in the classifieds advertising that the car was for sale.
When she rang the news paper she was told that to place a notice in the ‘deaths’ it would cost €5 for 6 words. An ad in the classified would cost €20. She thought for a couple of minutes and told the newspaper to put the following in the deaths notices:
‘Paddy is dead. Car for sale’

Mruphys Nails wanted a new ad compain for the tele, so they went to a highly awarded advertising company. They gave the advertising company the budget and told them to do what ever they felt would be appropriate for Murphys Nails.

A week later the advertisers rang Murphys nails and said that the new ad would be broadcast on monday night at 7.30. Excitdly Murphys nails waited for the ad to be screened…

The ad started off with the camera panning across a beautiful landscape up to the top of a hill where jesus was on the cross, with the slogan ‘Use Mruphys Nails’ across the bottem of the screen.

Mr Murphy was outraged and rang the advertisers immidiately and told them to re-shoot the ad, but tastefully. This they agreed to do.

Again another week went by and Mruphys nails got a phone call saying that the new ad was going to be screened on monday night at 7.30.

Again the ad started off with the camera sweeping across the beautiful landscape and up to the hill where an empty cross was seen. In the distance you could see Jesus running away. The slogan at the bottom of the screen said…

‘Should of used Murphys Nails.’

Murphys - That’s hilarious KiwiG. Will pass it on

LOL  
Good one Kiwi!

Especially for you Kiwi

A New Zealand ventriloquist visiting Australia walks into

a Small town and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he’ll have a little fun, so he says to the Ocker ....

‘G’day, mind if I talk to your dog?’

Villager: ‘The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Kiwi.’

Ventriloquist: ‘Hello dog, how’s it going mate?’

Dog: ‘Yeah mate, doin’ all right.’

Aussie: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: ‘Is this villager your owner?’ (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: ‘Yep’

Ventriloquist: ‘How does he treat you?’

Dog: ‘Yeah, real good mate. He walks me twice a day, feeds me good tucker. And takes me to the lake once a week to play.’

Aussie: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: ‘Mind if I talk to your horse?’

Aussie: ‘Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either...I think.’

Ventriloquist: ‘Hey horse, how’s it going?’

Horse: ‘Cool mate’

Aussie: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: ‘Is this your owner?’ (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: ‘Yep, that’s him’

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: ‘Pretty good mate, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the heat.’

Aussie: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: ‘Mind if I talk to your sheep?’

Aussie: (in a panic) ‘Don’t listen to him, that sheep’s a f * cking liar...’

LOL!! Brillent! thanks for that

3 men were sitting in a sauna, when they heard a beeping sound.
The American pressed his arm and the beeping stopped.
‘That was my pager, I’ve a microchip in my arm’.
Phone rings, the Japanese man puts his palm to his ear.
‘That was my mobile, I’ve a microchip in my hand’.
The Irish man, not to be outdone, goes to the toilet, comes back, toilet paper hanging from his ar$e.
The others stare at him…
‘Bjasus will you look at that, I’m getting a fax!’

Top marks for that one Petunia

Almost fell off my chair with the laughter

Thanks

Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

“In honor of this holy season” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle”, he said.

“You may pass through the pearly gates” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”

Saint Peter said “You may pass through the pearly gates”.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”


The man replied, “These are Carols.”

And So The Christmas Season
Begins...... 

Christmas divorce

An elderly man in Perth calls his son in Sydney and says, ‘I hate to
ruin your Christmas, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
getting divorced; 35 years of misery is enough.’ ‘Dad, what are you
talking about?’ the son screams.  ‘We can’t stand the sight of each
other any longer,’ the old man says.  ‘We’re sick of each other, and I’m
sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in England and tell
her,’ and he hangs up.

In a panic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.  ‘Like
heck they’re getting divorced,’ she shouts, ‘I’ll take care of this.’
She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, ‘You are NOT
getting divorced!  Don’t do a single thing until I get there.  I’m
calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there on Friday.  Until then,
don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?’ and hangs up.

The old man hangs up and turns to his wife.

‘Okay,’ he says, ‘they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own
airfares.’